Tuesday, July 30, 2013

feeling grateful for...


  1. Love this last picture the best (for O so many reasons)! I read this the other day and thought of Evie and you. it's from a woman who recently suffered a miscarriage. Just thought I'd share. See you in a few weeks!

    After you miscarry, a lot of random inappropriate stuff happens to you. Or, it did to me. I got a robo-call from my doctor’s office asking me to confirm my ultrasound appointment. I cancelled it and cried. Two days later, a nurse called and asked me if I wanted to reschedule. I told her that would probably be unnecessary, since I lost the baby.

    Getting flowers is kind of weird, too. Two very nice people sent me some, and as much as I was moved by the kind gesture, I was also struck by the absurdity of giving flowers to someone who lost a baby. “Oh, something died inside you? Here, watch these die.”

    Occasionally, you have to laugh.

    People expect you to get over a miscarriage quickly. After all, it wasn’t a “real” baby. And it’s so common! It happens all the time! I’m sure it’s even worse for post-abortive mothers. I’m sure you’re expected to feel liberated, free as a bird. But some part of them must know what has happened, that there was a death.

    My sister, who has also miscarried, gave me an idea, and I went through the house and gathered up my positive pregnancy tests, my hospital bracelets, my baby books, the sheets and clothes my friend gave me, and more, and put them in the sweet little hand-me-down crib that sits in our dining room. Later, I lost my mind crying for the first time. I festooned my husband’s shirt with mascara and snot. I begged him to leave me and be happy, said I wanted to die about six times, and just generally made an utter ridiculous fool of myself. It was horrible and I’m glad I got it out of my system.

    Yesterday was a bad day, but today was a good day. I slept really late. My headache wasn’t bad. I made café au lait. I cooked ribeyes and bacon and eggs for dinner, because why not? I drank some iced tea and read some Harry Potter and watched The Dirty Dozen with my husband.

    And I wrote something. Finally. And it helped.