.am I a mom?

Handling people who don't know Evelyn's story is difficult. A fellow loss mom, Sarah Muthler, put it best, "Telling strangers about my stillborn daughter often leaves me feeling like I’ve punched them. They cry. They try to shuffle away from me. I end up apologizing." I feel the same way about telling my story.

I work a second job at Anthropologie a few nights a week. It's a great little job - a few extra bucks and an incredible discount. I stopped working there a few weeks before Evelyn was born because I couldn't bend over and be on my feet that long. I recently decided to go back and I end up working with a lot of new faces. None of them know about Evelyn. I am not sure they ever will.

When we are closing the store down there is typical girl chatter - guys, traveling, weight loss, other jobs, etc. Sometimes I just want to be able to chime in with a "oh my gosh I know, I just had a baby and I'm trying to lose 15lbs" or  a simple "when I was pregnant..." story. But I know there will be follow-up questions. "How many kids do you have? how old is she? can I see a picture?" It's not easy handling people's reactions to a dying baby.

It is also difficult to share stories with people who aren't my best friends or family, but who do know about Evelyn. I can't talk about my pregnancy without also talking about death so I don't talk about it at all. There are several newly pregnant women in my office along with a few women who are about to pop any day now! When someone is sharing their story about their experiences - I want to chime in. I know how it feels to be 8 months pregnant. I also know how it feels to give birth to a 6lb baby. I wish we could commiserate together on how annoying heartburn is or how weird it is to feel your baby moving around inside of you. I wish I could tell them how I loved being pregnant and how lucky they are. It just doesn't seem appropriate coming from me though.

I can't contribute the same way other moms can without feeling like I would make others uncomfortable. Because of this, I don't always feel like I am a mom. 

I know in my heart I am a mom. It's hard to say it out loud though. And I typically don't. I fear that if I do refer to myself as one, strangers might ask more about it. I also fear that people who do know my story will look at me like I have two heads because they know my baby died inside of me. 

Webster Dictionary defines a parent as the following:

a : one that begets or brings forth offspring

b : a person who brings up and cares for another

I did beget (procreate) but wasn't able to bring her forth.

I certainly cared for Evelyn, more than anything else in the world, but I didn't get a chance to "bring her up".

So by definition, I am...sort of a mom. 
Do other people define me as that as well? 

I had every intention of bringing her up and bringing her forth. I wanted to give her every ounce of my love and I was going to put every last penny towards making sure she was going to be happy and healthy. 
Doesn't that count?

I sure hope so. I may not be your typical parent but I know I am Evelyn's mom.