:o)

grinds my gears

My sister always told me not to do it while pregnant but I, of course, still did. and then just about everyone around me told me not to do it after my stillbirth and I still did. But now I practice what I preach and constantly tell my own friends :

don't Google "medical" information. Just don't. 

This goes for any and all medical issues but especially when you are pregnant or when your child is sick. 

Talk to your doctor. 

A REAL LIVE DOCTOR.

Websites like WebMd.com have decent health-related articles or useful tools to check things like the side effects of certain medication. These features make sense to me. But the symptom checker and the list of causes for particular diagnoses are just...infuriating and almost insulting.

Google a potential issue a child may have. Guarantee you one of the "causes" listed will somehow point the finger back at something the parents may or may not have done while pregnant or while the baby was an infant. If you are a loss mom, or the mom of a sick child, the LAST thing you want to do is check a website like this and see that you may have been the "cause" of your child's condition! 

Do you know how many months I blamed myself for the death of my daughter before I finally found the courage to speak with a REAL LIVE maternal fetal medicine doctor to hear her confirm that I did not kill my baby. I even paid $50 for it! One site listed "lack of nutrition in the womb" as a possible cause of stillbirth, another said regular exercise can help prevent it from happening - the guilt immediately set in and I quickly took the blame for Evie not surviving.  

What's even worse are the generalizations made as these sites attempt to inform readers what a stillbirth is as if every woman and pregnancy are the same. What a joke. Not to mention they read as if a high school-er wrote them for their senior health project. 

How can you blame the woman who chose to move forward with the pregnancy and dedicate the next 10 months of her life nurturing the baby inside of her that she barely gets to see, knows nothing about except maybe a gender, but loves unconditionally anyways. We are told to live life normally and to stay active, here's a list of foods & medicine to stay away, but most importantly do not stress over anything. If you follow these steps, you should have a healthy baby.  But when we don't, the mother must have strayed away from what they were told...right?

 Well, Mr. WebMD, since you are such a know-it-all, while you are at it, please explain to me why there are plenty of drug-addicted malnurished self-centered women who deliver healthy babies everyday. And what about the extremely fit health-conscience women who lose babies every day. Riddle me THAT. 

feelings.

feeling good was good enough for me

I have been feeling freakishly "okay" lately. It scares me. I know when this happens, a wave of sadness is around the corner and no matter how strong I feel, it always knocks me down. 

It rolls in like one of those storms that seems as if the apocalypse has come. Dark clouds abruptly fill the sky, and even though you are only a few blocks away from home, you know no matter how fast you run, you are going to get caught in the rain. soaked. drenched. cold. you didn't bring your umbrella because although they said there was chance of rain, you convinced yourself you were going to beat it and be safely indoors before it begins. Yea..it's like that. 

And until the storm comes, I embrace my good days. I find myself being ridiculously productive trying to get ahead on a lot of things because I know how this works. The wave comes, it knocks me down, and it takes me a few days get back up again. On those bad days all I see is darkness, all I think about is Evelyn and what we would be doing at that particular time & place, all I feel is jealousy of the pregnant women surrounding me on the city streets, all I want to do is cry, the only person I want around is Chris, and all I want to know is...why? 

and that's okay. as long as I get back up and dry off.

listen

music has been saving me lately.

Two songs to tune into:

The Weeknd ft. Drake - Live For
Led Zeppelin - Over the Hills and Far Away

be kind.

I haven't been wanting to write lately. I've been lost in my surroundings the last few weeks. Work at my full-time job has picked up a lot and I have been working at Anthropologie at night more frequently. I have watched best friends suffer from relationship heartbreak, sudden death of a parent, and job loss. Throw in some terribly embarrassing and uncomfortable public "I miss my baby" moments at work and that has been my September so far. Feeling helpless while watching close friends suffer on top of trying to take control of your own pain is like &*@!^&%^*@$%!^#$%*@!*(*) 

<< insert head spinning>>

I will refrain from all the cliches that people say to those who are in the middle of their sadness but let's just say I am suddenly feeling more grateful than ever for my relationship, my family, & my job. 

Such a good reminder of one of my many favorite quotes about never knowing what others have been through.

stolen

her little hands stole my heart 
& her little feet ran away with it. 

I was too scared to hold her. Chris did, but I wasn't sure if I would ever let her go. I did hold her little hands though. So thankful that the nurses snapped a few photos for me. 

What I wouldn't do to hold these little things again...

for everything there is a season

Had such a great summer! Yes, I know it's not over until September 21st but in my mind it's dunzo. I thought of the song by The Byrds "Turn Turn Turn" today and had to listen to it. The lyrics ARE my spring & summer. So ready for autumn and winter though, bring on the sweatshirts!

a time to be born, a time to die

a time to plant, a time to reap

a time to kill, a time to heal

a time to laugh, a time to weep

a time to build up,a time to break down

a time to dance, a time to mourn

turn, turn, turn

our angel was born.

my first flyers game!

best friend's bachelorette in the mountains

best friend's wedding in Long Beach Island

college roommate's wedding in Cancun, Mexico

annual family vacation in Lake George, NY

annual Sea Isle City, NJ house with friends that are family

an invite

Reason number 3270896719671 why I love my friends and the hospital I delivered Evie at. Yesterday I received the invite below to a memorial and candle lighting for Remembrance Day. 

Evelyn's name will be announced during the ceremony called "Wave of Light" for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Every year on October 15th at 7pm, candles are lit all over the world in every time zone in honor of our babies. The ceremony will take place in the garden of Pennsylvania Hospital where Evelyn was born. My best girlfriend who is a nurse there told me about it and recommended an invite to be sent to me. I can only imagine how hard this day is going to be but I am so grateful for things like this.

made with + energy

Added another one to my wrist...friendship.love.loyalty.

Countdown til St. Patrick's Day!

love me some Alex and Ani

Check out their story on how they are infused with positive energy!