stillborn still loved

I wish I were a millionaire. Not just because I would love to live comfortably the rest of my life, work part-time and volunteer, all while raising a bajillion kids, but mainly to be able to support charities in a way that would guarantee them sustainability. I work at a non-profit in the accounting department so I know first hand that charities need donations. Yes, the $10-$100 donations are thoughtful but they actually need A LOT more to run their business. Because let's not forget, non-profits are businesses too. And with the government's budget crisis, especially in Philadelphia, funding from those guys are disappearing. Planned gifts and pledges from individuals for general operations are crucial for non-profits. People costs are high! The more research I do on stillbirth & pregnancy loss, the more non-profits I come across who do amazing work and greatly deserve donations. I wish, well hope, that one day "philanthropist" follows my name!

 

I came across stillbornstillloved.org whose mission is to honor the lives of stillborn babies through advocacy, awareness and support. They raise money to support the work of GAPPS, Global Alliance to Prevent Prematurity and Stillbirths. Their goal is to lead a collaborative, global effort to increase awareness and accelerate innovative research and interventions that will improve maternal, newborn and child health outcomes and to decrease fetal mortality.

 

I watched this YouTube created by GAPPS and cried like a baby because it was like watching a 4 minute glimpse of my mind. I made a small donation but not even close to the amount I would love to. Ahhh...one day, one day.

 

 

 

 

something to remember

I NEED to focus on my health again. I love food. I love relaxing. I love grabbing drinks with friends & family. In turn, I feel mushy and tired and very...blah about life in general.

I NEED to remember this daily for my mind, body, soul. 

how

how is it only Tuesday? 

how did my whole world come crashing down in the matter of 6 months?

how am I supposed to jump start my health & happiness again?

how am I supposed to stay motivated?

how come I feel like everyone else around me is moving onward and upward and I am stuck in standstill or even worse - moving backward?

how was I the happiest I have ever been and then immediately the saddest I have ever been?

how do I feel better?

how come other women have living breathing babies so easily and I don't?

how do I stop being so scared it will happen again?

post vacation blues

You ever get down right sad after a vacation? I hate that. The anxiety of going back to work, knowing summer is coming to an end, the craziness of the holidays are approaching and the creation of countless before-the-end-of-the-year to-do lists begins.

I felt like that all night last night and today. Instead of hibernating, which I would normally do, I put on my sneakers and wandered around the city. After I hit up a few stores and grabbed some iced coffee, I headed home to do some chores and got sucked into a great uplifting  movie I forgot all about - Hope Floats. So cute! 

favorite quote from the movie

hbd

vacation minus one

Gearing up for vacation in the mountains with the family... the vacation I expected to bring Evie on. Sure - I probably would have been a wreck and not packed enough formula or diapers but that is what Wal-mart is for, right!?

The time-off is certainly needed. Getting out of the city is always nice too.  My sister's kids are coming along which is always a treat. I just wish I had my little 5 month old girl by my side during it...

that's all. 

monday motivation - tiny buddha

Need a monday pick-me-up?

Here it is:

they offer advice on...

change & challenges

happiness & fun

healthy habits

love & relationships

meaning & passion

mindfulness & peace

work fulfillment

tiny wisdom

PERFECT! 

got my guardian angel

....and her name is Evie. 

summer legends tour

Ahhhh...the summer of concerts continues. Sad that the summer is coming to an end. Although, technically, the last day isn't until September 21 so I still have time to squeeze in more things before the craziness of holidays, audits, and girlfriends' birthdays begin! 

Tonight we saw Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z. I have seen Justin at N*SYNC concerts (shut up) and I have also seen Jay-Z solo a few times. But them together?!?! EPIC.

IT.WAS.AWESOME.

I went with the best crew of friends and family too!

You know I can't post without mentioning how small the world of loss/grief really is. I like to bring up little not-so-known facts. I don't have the intention to scare people but I think it is crazy that this sad little world is a secret and never discussed. Parents should be aware and educated that this is a possibility just like the possibility of down syndrome, a cleft lip, cystic fibrosis, and everything else they test us for while we are pregnant. How come they don't warn us that on your routine appointments to check the heart rate, there's a chance you may not hear that sound when the cold doppler is used on you.

There is a quote that sticks out of mind from the movie, The Other Woman. Lisa Kudrow's character, Carolyn, obgyn doctor, explains to Emelia that the autopsy report and an expert pathologist concluded that she did not kill her baby girl. She said something along the lines of,  "The results conclude that it is scientifically impossible that you killed your baby. Babies die sometimes. We don't always know why, sometimes they just do. "

 Through his lyrics in This Can't Be Life, Jay-Z reveals his ex-girlfriend of 5 years had a stillborn. 

Baby came out stillborn, still I gotta move on

Though my heart still torn, life gone from her womb

Don't worry, if it was meant to be, it'll be -- soon

He also wrote a song, Glory, in honor of Blue Ivy where he mentioned Beyonce's miscarriage. 

False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?

But you was made in Paris and mama woke up the next day and shot her album package
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic,
We was afraid you disappeared but nah baby, you magic

old & new

Came home to this after a crazy Monday at work.

 So thankful for my friends...both old & new :o) 

the other woman

A few years ago, a movie came out, The Other Woman, and I was scared to death to watch it. It stars Natalie Portman and she plays wife number two to a successful lawyer. Lisa Kudrow, who I love, plays his first wife. I recognized the supporting cast too from things like Rent and Can't Hardly Wait (best movie ever). Even with this impressive crew, I was still very turned off and never EVER wanted to see this movie. Why you ask? Two reasons. Adultery & a dead baby. The very two things that scared the sh*t out of me back then, and probably most women in general. Not me dying or getting sick or I dunno...maybe sharks, snakes, spiders? I always assumed if my husband stabbed me in the back or one of my children died, I would never be able to go on with life. I would immediately be bed-ridden and eventually pass away peacefully from a broken heart. Or be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life. You get the gist. They were my biggest fears. Recently I got the courage to watch this movie. 

The opening credits are played along side with pictures of Natalie Portman's character, Emelia, and her new husband holding their newborn baby girl, Isabelle. The song playing is "Do You Realize" by The Flamming Lips. Specifically, the verse played goes "do you realize that everyone you know someday will die." ...I got chills instantly. 

The first scene is Emelia walking by her empty stroller and out of her apartment. She speed walks through the Central Park ignoring but not avoiding the crew of new mommies meeting up with their fancy city strollers. 

I immediately knew where this film was going with that scene. I have to walk by those same groups every day. The happy couples with their newborns and toddlers running around the fountains as they compare notes or commiserate with other new parents. Every.single.day from 5pm to 6:30pm they are there. Sure, I could take a different route to avoid them. But I don't. In a weird way I find it fascinating because I was about to be in their shoes. I also feel like I just need to shut up and deal with it. What, am I going to be a hermit the rest of my life? I won't lie though, it never feels any less crappier than the day before. Without fail, I always picture Evie in her fancy stroller by the fountain. 

The movie goes back and forth between the present and the past. It reveals how Emelia started off as a mistress and quickly became pregnant, a wife, and a mother. However, through conversations with William, her step son, we learn that Emelia's baby died 3 days after she gave birth. 

This movie is unbelievable. It touches on every issue we loss moms talk about all the time. They touch on SIDS, grief, day of remembrance for angel babies, handling new pregnancy announcements, and pregnancy after loss. There are friends that make accidental insensitive comments. Emelia admits to thinking she's responsible for Isabelle's death. She has conversations with her step son about not wanting to get rid of the unused baby stuff when he asks about selling it. She even fights with her husband when they aren't on the same grieving schedule. I found comfort in watching these story lines play out on the screen. You feel...a tad less crazy.

I would strongly recommend watching this movie. Although I did not lose a child to SIDS, I think this movie portrays the ups and downs of grieving parents pretty darn accurately. The cycles. The roller coaster.  It throws in even more twists with ex wives getting pregnant at 43 and a family history of purchasing Russian prostitutes surfaces.

It's on Netflix right now under the category: emotional movies (duh.)

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