staying positive (or at least trying to)

Trying to stay positive is a full-time job when dealing with grief. It's tough to not think that you have the worst luck in the world and that bad things will just continue to happen. It's hard not to be cynical. We've just been through a devastating loss and you want me to look at the glass half full? C'mon. 

I do try though. I really do. I recognize that I have learned a lot about myself, family, friends, pregnancy, stillbirth, grief, and death. I have also noticed myself worrying less about the little things that use to send me into a tizzy. Even before my loss, this was one of my favorite quotes and I still try to live by it.

There are two awesome blogs I came across recently that I check weekly to help me not spiral into a Negative Nancy. 

1. Positively Present

This blog rocks. I found it because I was obsessed with the quotes and style she would post on Instagram (happilyeverafternow) and then I noticed she had a blog in her profile. Clicking it was the best idea ever! She posts the best advice whether you are grieving or you are just trying to stay positive in general. She has an adorable pup and an amazing outlook on life. 

2. The Positivity Blog

Henrik Edberg writes very practical articles on simplifying life and improving your happiness. Very short, sweet, and to the point posts about relaxation, self-esteem, and overall positivity!

red, white & the blues

Not only do I love the 4th of July for obvious reasons - time off from work, soaking up the sun, delicious food, fun drinks, but it is also my birthday! I knew I wanted this one to be low key because we are headed off to Cancun in a week. 

A bunch of friends & I headed to the Delaware River, plopped ourselves on rafts and floated on down. It was awesome. So relaxing and the weather was great. May need to make this a new tradition!

Birthdays are a great reminder of how lucky you are. I never ever forget this but it's awesome to be bombarded by it all in one day. Evelyn was on my mind all weekend. She would've looked so cute dolled up in red, white, & blue stealing all my birthday thunder. I wouldn't have cared one bit though. I was surrounded by good people all weekend so that these thoughts wouldn't get the best of me. I count my lucky stars for the people I have around me! Who knows where I would be without them...

.am I a mom?

Handling people who don't know Evelyn's story is difficult. A fellow loss mom, Sarah Muthler, put it best, "Telling strangers about my stillborn daughter often leaves me feeling like I’ve punched them. They cry. They try to shuffle away from me. I end up apologizing." I feel the same way about telling my story.

I work a second job at Anthropologie a few nights a week. It's a great little job - a few extra bucks and an incredible discount. I stopped working there a few weeks before Evelyn was born because I couldn't bend over and be on my feet that long. I recently decided to go back and I end up working with a lot of new faces. None of them know about Evelyn. I am not sure they ever will.

When we are closing the store down there is typical girl chatter - guys, traveling, weight loss, other jobs, etc. Sometimes I just want to be able to chime in with a "oh my gosh I know, I just had a baby and I'm trying to lose 15lbs" or  a simple "when I was pregnant..." story. But I know there will be follow-up questions. "How many kids do you have? how old is she? can I see a picture?" It's not easy handling people's reactions to a dying baby.

It is also difficult to share stories with people who aren't my best friends or family, but who do know about Evelyn. I can't talk about my pregnancy without also talking about death so I don't talk about it at all. There are several newly pregnant women in my office along with a few women who are about to pop any day now! When someone is sharing their story about their experiences - I want to chime in. I know how it feels to be 8 months pregnant. I also know how it feels to give birth to a 6lb baby. I wish we could commiserate together on how annoying heartburn is or how weird it is to feel your baby moving around inside of you. I wish I could tell them how I loved being pregnant and how lucky they are. It just doesn't seem appropriate coming from me though.

I can't contribute the same way other moms can without feeling like I would make others uncomfortable. Because of this, I don't always feel like I am a mom. 

I know in my heart I am a mom. It's hard to say it out loud though. And I typically don't. I fear that if I do refer to myself as one, strangers might ask more about it. I also fear that people who do know my story will look at me like I have two heads because they know my baby died inside of me. 

Webster Dictionary defines a parent as the following:

a : one that begets or brings forth offspring

b : a person who brings up and cares for another

I did beget (procreate) but wasn't able to bring her forth.

I certainly cared for Evelyn, more than anything else in the world, but I didn't get a chance to "bring her up".

So by definition, I am...sort of a mom. 
Do other people define me as that as well? 

I had every intention of bringing her up and bringing her forth. I wanted to give her every ounce of my love and I was going to put every last penny towards making sure she was going to be happy and healthy. 
Doesn't that count?

I sure hope so. I may not be your typical parent but I know I am Evelyn's mom.

medicine

I don't need medicine (although I understand if others do...)

I just need a day with these guys!

#auntcheeks #thatsme

t.g.i.f.

Phew...what a rough week. But it's Friday. and it's the first day of Summer! I made it through without biting someone's head off, I didn't run out of work in tears, and I didn't give up on hope. Although that's exactly what I felt like doing.

Thanks to Chris for not giving up on me too. Did I mention I was PMSing on top of everything? Yikes!

We are both off tomorrow which is rare. I am thinking we will wander around the city, maybe go to a neighborhood we haven't been to in awhile. Then on Sunday I get to babysit my niece and nephew which is a guarantee for a good day!

Even just having a relaxing weekend is part of our Operation: Heal our Hearts summer. I have been trying to follow Henrik Edberg's 10 small steps to having a happy summer. Give it a whirl!

10 Small Ways to Make This The Happiest Summer of Your Life

1. Go slow
2. Say yes to the new
3. Say no to the "should" of summer
4. Just do nothing at all
5. Be the summer you want to be
6. Be kind in small ways
7. Savor the summer moments right here instead of being lost in the future or past
8. Ask yourself what you can be grateful for so far this year
9. Just accept how you feel instead of pushing it away
10. Spend more time doing what you love

.i promised i wouldn't

I promised I wouldn't get upset by accidental insensitive comments.

I promised I wouldn't get upset by pregnancy announcements.

I promised I would still be able to go to baby showers.

I promised I wouldn't cry every time I talk about her.

I promised I wouldn't be jealous of women expecting.

I promised I would "make lemonade out of lemons". 

I promised I wouldn't dwell on her death and would be grateful for the time we did have.

I broke all those promises.

I promise I'll get better though. 

I promise I will work on it. 

some days are better than others.

I wanted to blog last night but this is how I felt.

it happens. 

today is a new day.