beyonce - heaven

Beyonce came out with a surprise album that IMMEDIATELY lifted my mood. She included this song, "Heaven". As private as she is, I am so glad she sings/talks openly about her miscarriage...

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

Heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it..

the perfect card for right now

first christmas

Shouldn't I be searching for the perfect baby girl Christmas outfit right now?

Shouldn't I be planning out our crazy Christmas week - our first Christmas morning together, going to my mom's, then going to the Netzel's family dinner to sing 12 days of Christmas crossing your fingers you don't get picked to sing "Fiiiiiive golden rings!" every round. 

Shouldn't I be thinking "What do you get a 9 month old for Christmas!?!" 

The Holidays and New Year are supposed to be a time of the year you reflect on what the year has brought you and why you should be joyful and merry about what has come your way. 

Unfortunately, this year that isn't the case. 

It has done nothing but stir up emotion and remind me who is missing...

the countdown.

Well the countdown has officially begun...

No, not til Christmas.

Not til New Years either.

Not even until my wedding.

I now countdown the days until her birthday. 

That day means it will be one year since her death. 

One crappy, heart-breaking, painful, challenging, soul-sucking year. 

ps. it doesn't go away

It's been almost 9 months since Evelyn has died. 

I want her back just as badly as I did in March. 

As time goes on, I have learned how to control my pain. I would be a liar if I said it didn't hurt anymore when pregnancies are announced and babies are born - because it does. But I have learned how to feel both joy & pain at those times. 

With the holidays around the corner, she is constantly on my mind. This time last year I was expecting my daughter to be here. It sounds silly but one of my many preparations for becoming a mom was decorating for holidays!  I literally thought to myself,  "Oh my gosh, I am going to be a mom! I need to like...decorate and stuff!" So after every holiday last year, I loaded up on the clearance seasonal decor. 

Unpacking all that will bring back a lot of emotions as I am certain I was strategic about what I bought. But I am ready for it. Might even start this weekend :)

American horror story

American horror story is one if my favorite shows! This season is The Coven and is all about witchcraft! The episode tonight had a scene where the witch was wandering around the hospital looking for her wounded daughter. She heard shrills and assumed it was her but instead found a young woman who had just given birth. The stranger was crying and next to her laid her dead baby. The witch asked her if it was a stillbirth or if it happened after it was born; the woman confirmed stillbirth. The witch laid the baby in her mother's arms and eventually instilled life back into her.

Are there any witches out there?

Just kidding. I think it's so interesting though when stillbirth is mentioned on television...I'm always intrigued on how others view it. 

curly girl design

i'm obsessed with curly girl design. if I wasn't living with a guy - my apartment would be FILLED with their products. their wise words are so different and inspiring. they have great gifts for friends & family that have meaningful sayings on them to help get your point across...I am not always the best with words. 

thoughtful products like these help!