beyonce - heaven

Beyonce came out with a surprise album that IMMEDIATELY lifted my mood. She included this song, "Heaven". As private as she is, I am so glad she sings/talks openly about her miscarriage...

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

Heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it..

the perfect card for right now

first christmas

Shouldn't I be searching for the perfect baby girl Christmas outfit right now?

Shouldn't I be planning out our crazy Christmas week - our first Christmas morning together, going to my mom's, then going to the Netzel's family dinner to sing 12 days of Christmas crossing your fingers you don't get picked to sing "Fiiiiiive golden rings!" every round. 

Shouldn't I be thinking "What do you get a 9 month old for Christmas!?!" 

The Holidays and New Year are supposed to be a time of the year you reflect on what the year has brought you and why you should be joyful and merry about what has come your way. 

Unfortunately, this year that isn't the case. 

It has done nothing but stir up emotion and remind me who is missing...

the countdown.

Well the countdown has officially begun...

No, not til Christmas.

Not til New Years either.

Not even until my wedding.

I now countdown the days until her birthday. 

That day means it will be one year since her death. 

One crappy, heart-breaking, painful, challenging, soul-sucking year.