reminder to be thankful

It has been one hell of a week. 

This entire year has been an emotional roller coaster but this past week a rush of anger, resentment, sadness, and a whole lot of "it's not f*cking fair"s happened. Usually it takes time, therapy, and tears to bring me back to reality. This instagram from one of my favorite brands also helped put an end to the little pitty party I was having. 

Speaks such truth!

say it out loud!

Lily Allen does - love her! 

An emotional Lily Allen recalled one of her darkest days — when she gave birth to a stillborn, 6-month old son in 2010 — during a raw interview on The Jonathan Ross Show which airs on Saturday, Nov. 8.

"I think it's difficult for anybody regardless of what world they live in…it was the most unfortunate thing that can ever happen to a person," the "Smile" singer, who also miscarried in 2008, recalled of losing her child.

Allen, however, was able to lean on her husband Sam Cooper. "Actually what I took home from that experience was…I was very fortunate in the sense that I have a loving partner to go home to and share that experience with," she added of her hubby, whom she wed in June 2011.

"There are…17 stillbirths in the UK every day… and there are many women that go home and they don't have that support, they have to go home and deal with that on their own so I am kind of in a…count-my-blessings scenario rather than feeling sorry for myself," the pop star said.

Following her loss, Allen then welcomed her first daughter Ethel Mary in November 2012 and another daughter, Marnie Rose, in January 2013. And although she's happy with two, the songstress admitted she's open to trying for a third.

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-moms/news/lily-allen-opens-up-about-stillborn-son-in-raw-emotional-interview-2014711

she is everywhere

I swear, I see Evelyn's name EVERYWHERE. One of my favorite stores, Lucky Brand, carries an Evelyn tank top. I bought it every color they had. There is also children's bedding at Pottery Barn named Evelyn. It's purple! One of my favorites. She would have definitely been sleeping in that. Recently, I bought a robe from Ugg also named Evelyn. 

Tonight I was organizing her room which I currently use as a big closet and much needed storage space! I came across this sticker on something I bought and am saving for when we buy a permanent home...my heart melted.

These reminders don't make me sad. In fact they make me so so so so happy. I may not be religious but I whole heartedly believe she watches over me and Chris. This is her way of saying "heeeeey mom & dad!" 

someone came before you

I don't know when where or how I will use this book but I am so thankful for resources like this. Evelyn will always be apart of our family but I know it will be difficult to explain to her future brothers & sisters. I had to buy this book especially to support the courageous illustrator, Taylor Bills!

Amazon.com

"It explains in a gentle way the parents desire for a child and the sadness that comes over them when that baby dies. It then shares how the parents, with the help of the baby, get to the point of wanting another child to come into their lives. The illustrator, Taylor Bills, who has an extraordinary gift of capturing feelings in his drawings that tell the story beyond words. Includes suggestions about keeping your baby s memory alive."

when life gives you lemons...

use "joy inducing" soap.

I LOVE THIS STUFF! I can thank Birchbox for introducing me to this bottle of awesomeness. It smells so crisp and clean. The full size version arrived today and I am beyond excited to crack it open. Not to mention - how appropriate is this message for a Monday? 

I love products like this! 

celebrating pregnancy again

this book is everything right now...

amazon.com

"For a time that should be filled with pure joy and anticipation, pregnancy proves to be a fierce battle between grief and joy after the loss of a child. This book follows the author's journey from loss to subsequent pregnancy, with encouragement along the way on how to handle the 'new normal' that rocks your world after facing a loss. From dealing with others in your subsequent pregnancy, to balancing grief along the way, to real-life, tangible ways of celebrating pregnancy, this book offers a unique perspective on pregnancy after loss."

supporting our loss community

not only did Brett & Stephanie Parker create a fascinating baby sleep product, they did it with broken hearts and in the middle of grieving the loss of their baby...

https://zipadeezip.com/

Stephanie could not say enough about the community that supported her & her family during those dark times. I could not agree more. I always applauded women who came out and told their story, not to scare anyone, but to let others know they are not alone. 

My sister & I were literally brought to tears by their story when we watched them on Shark Tank this past Friday. So happy they struck a deal with a shark for their Zipadeezips! And that they ended up having a rainbow baby to complete their happily ever after...

before every rainbow...

FINALLY! return to zero

Lily Allen - thank you

wanna get better

need a little extra luck?

Happy March! 

held your whole life

Held Your Whole Life supports families whose babies never took a breath on this earth. They want to acknowledge the lives of the children who are lost before they were born. They have made over 1,000 personalized hand stamped necklaces and shipped them world-wide. 

A friend had told me about this and I immediately signed up. They warn you that it could take months to get you your necklace and they could not give you a date but assured it would come. 

Low & behold on February 6th, the very night before our wedding - a package arrives. In it was a necklace with Evelyn's name on it with a little charm with footprints on it. Chris & I immediately broke down. I was just going to keep the necklace as a keepsake and place it in her memory box. But what does Chris do? Puts it on instantly. He wore it on our wedding and hasn't taken it off since. 

hello, 2014

so much has happened already in 2014 and it is only February. 

I got married - yay!

Chris got a new nursing job he loves.

He also got accepted into Drexel University to complete his BSN. Wohoo!

Some really positive things have happened thus far. and I am BEYOND grateful for every single one of them.

There is, however, one thing I am not looking forward to - the one year anniversary of the birth of our Evelyn. 

How the HECK has it been a year already? 

I assume this time of the year will constantly be bittersweet for us. After an annual celebration of our marriage will come the reminder of our loss. 

Can I just say she was DEFINITELY looking out for us. Our region was bombarded by snow the entire month of January and February...except for the weekend of Feb 7th. Thanks, Evie!! 

beyonce - heaven

Beyonce came out with a surprise album that IMMEDIATELY lifted my mood. She included this song, "Heaven". As private as she is, I am so glad she sings/talks openly about her miscarriage...

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

Heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it..

the perfect card for right now

first christmas

Shouldn't I be searching for the perfect baby girl Christmas outfit right now?

Shouldn't I be planning out our crazy Christmas week - our first Christmas morning together, going to my mom's, then going to the Netzel's family dinner to sing 12 days of Christmas crossing your fingers you don't get picked to sing "Fiiiiiive golden rings!" every round. 

Shouldn't I be thinking "What do you get a 9 month old for Christmas!?!" 

The Holidays and New Year are supposed to be a time of the year you reflect on what the year has brought you and why you should be joyful and merry about what has come your way. 

Unfortunately, this year that isn't the case. 

It has done nothing but stir up emotion and remind me who is missing...

the countdown.

Well the countdown has officially begun...

No, not til Christmas.

Not til New Years either.

Not even until my wedding.

I now countdown the days until her birthday. 

That day means it will be one year since her death. 

One crappy, heart-breaking, painful, challenging, soul-sucking year. 

ps. it doesn't go away

It's been almost 9 months since Evelyn has died. 

I want her back just as badly as I did in March. 

As time goes on, I have learned how to control my pain. I would be a liar if I said it didn't hurt anymore when pregnancies are announced and babies are born - because it does. But I have learned how to feel both joy & pain at those times. 

With the holidays around the corner, she is constantly on my mind. This time last year I was expecting my daughter to be here. It sounds silly but one of my many preparations for becoming a mom was decorating for holidays!  I literally thought to myself,  "Oh my gosh, I am going to be a mom! I need to like...decorate and stuff!" So after every holiday last year, I loaded up on the clearance seasonal decor. 

Unpacking all that will bring back a lot of emotions as I am certain I was strategic about what I bought. But I am ready for it. Might even start this weekend :)

American horror story

American horror story is one if my favorite shows! This season is The Coven and is all about witchcraft! The episode tonight had a scene where the witch was wandering around the hospital looking for her wounded daughter. She heard shrills and assumed it was her but instead found a young woman who had just given birth. The stranger was crying and next to her laid her dead baby. The witch asked her if it was a stillbirth or if it happened after it was born; the woman confirmed stillbirth. The witch laid the baby in her mother's arms and eventually instilled life back into her.

Are there any witches out there?

Just kidding. I think it's so interesting though when stillbirth is mentioned on television...I'm always intrigued on how others view it.