beyonce - heaven

Beyonce came out with a surprise album that IMMEDIATELY lifted my mood. She included this song, "Heaven". As private as she is, I am so glad she sings/talks openly about her miscarriage...

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

Heaven couldn't wait for you

No heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it..

the perfect card for right now

first christmas

Shouldn't I be searching for the perfect baby girl Christmas outfit right now?

Shouldn't I be planning out our crazy Christmas week - our first Christmas morning together, going to my mom's, then going to the Netzel's family dinner to sing 12 days of Christmas crossing your fingers you don't get picked to sing "Fiiiiiive golden rings!" every round. 

Shouldn't I be thinking "What do you get a 9 month old for Christmas!?!" 

The Holidays and New Year are supposed to be a time of the year you reflect on what the year has brought you and why you should be joyful and merry about what has come your way. 

Unfortunately, this year that isn't the case. 

It has done nothing but stir up emotion and remind me who is missing...

the countdown.

Well the countdown has officially begun...

No, not til Christmas.

Not til New Years either.

Not even until my wedding.

I now countdown the days until her birthday. 

That day means it will be one year since her death. 

One crappy, heart-breaking, painful, challenging, soul-sucking year. 

ps. it doesn't go away

It's been almost 9 months since Evelyn has died. 

I want her back just as badly as I did in March. 

As time goes on, I have learned how to control my pain. I would be a liar if I said it didn't hurt anymore when pregnancies are announced and babies are born - because it does. But I have learned how to feel both joy & pain at those times. 

With the holidays around the corner, she is constantly on my mind. This time last year I was expecting my daughter to be here. It sounds silly but one of my many preparations for becoming a mom was decorating for holidays!  I literally thought to myself,  "Oh my gosh, I am going to be a mom! I need to like...decorate and stuff!" So after every holiday last year, I loaded up on the clearance seasonal decor. 

Unpacking all that will bring back a lot of emotions as I am certain I was strategic about what I bought. But I am ready for it. Might even start this weekend :)

American horror story

American horror story is one if my favorite shows! This season is The Coven and is all about witchcraft! The episode tonight had a scene where the witch was wandering around the hospital looking for her wounded daughter. She heard shrills and assumed it was her but instead found a young woman who had just given birth. The stranger was crying and next to her laid her dead baby. The witch asked her if it was a stillbirth or if it happened after it was born; the woman confirmed stillbirth. The witch laid the baby in her mother's arms and eventually instilled life back into her.

Are there any witches out there?

Just kidding. I think it's so interesting though when stillbirth is mentioned on television...I'm always intrigued on how others view it. 

curly girl design

i'm obsessed with curly girl design. if I wasn't living with a guy - my apartment would be FILLED with their products. their wise words are so different and inspiring. they have great gifts for friends & family that have meaningful sayings on them to help get your point across...I am not always the best with words. 

thoughtful products like these help!

hope

i still have hope.

October 15th

October 15th is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. Once a year, at 7pm, there is a Wave of Light, candles are lit to honor babies that are no longer with us. This is my first year participating in this day. I honestly never heard of it before Evelyn. 

I always think I am mentally prepared for days like this - due dates, birthdays, angel-versaries, whatever it may be. Subconsciously though I am a wreck! The closer it got to 7pm, the more I fell apart. I have never been in denial about her death, even when it first happened. But there is something about participating in things like this that make it more "real". It sucks that instead of birthdays, we have remembrance days. It sucks that instead of a nursery, we have an extra storage room. It sucks that I am able to stay late at work instead of rushing to the daycare to pick her up before 6pm. It just plain ol' sucks! 

My life is an awkward mess. Being a childless parent is awkward!  I have had to turn down friends' baby showers and avoid old stomping grounds to make sure it doesn't send me into a spiral. I didn't want it to be this way. I thought I would be stronger, but the truth is - it's hard. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. There's not a day that goes by that I don't stop and say "what would I be doing if Evelyn were here?" 9 times out of 10 I probably would just be in our apartment...feeding her, cleaning her, complaining that I am exhausted, longing for a bigger, better apartment, wishing I had a free babysitter rather than paying for daycare in the city (which is INSANE!). The thing is,  I was prepared to be tired, a mess, broke, scattered...I was also a little excited to be all that. 

However, I refuse to focus on what would have been. I will never forget Chris & I explaining to the nurse that we promised not to be bitter or angry because of our loss. Evelyn did a lot for us.  If you are ever looking for a reason to get your sh*t together - get pregnant. Suddenly, NOTHING else mattered. Our mindset from then on out was Operation: Prepare for Evelyn. New jobs, new apartment, daycare, health insurance, holidays, babysitters for weddings, SAVING FOR COLLEGE!! (yes, that early). I could not have cared less about co-worker drama or keeping up with my favorite stores' sales. Life suddenly became about budgets and security. 

I don't believe that this happened for a reason. There is no good enough reason in the world to take my seemingly healthy unborn daughter away from me. But I absolutely believe that I can still be grateful for her and my experience. I am thankful that I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse into what getting pregnant feels like and what I should be looking for during it. I also now know what to expect after you give birth  - the pain! the leaks! the exhaustion! Good Lord...

Because of Evelyn, I know more than I ever wish I knew about miscarriages, stillbirths, and SIDS. I have a better idea of what to say to those grieving, no matter what the loss. I am more comfortable with death than I have ever been.

I am thankful for her. If I had the option to go back and choose this path or not getting pregnant, I can honestly say I would still choose this path. She was our baby. She was the perfect combination of Chris & I. She was our hope. She was our happiness. She was our reason to grow. She was our love. I wouldn't change it for the world. 

think pink

Chris & I headed to Chicago for a wedding last weekend. 

They had a pink skyline for Breast Cancer Awareness. 

Love that!!

month of awareness

October is a month dedicated to supporting many great causes! People all around the nation come together and raise awareness from anything from dental hygiene to domestic violence.

Breast Cancer Awareness is one of the one most popular. It has always been close to my heart because of an amazing aunt of mine who we lost to breast cancer.

Newly near & dear to me is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

There are some events I am hoping to attend. I just signed up for a Walk to Remember and then I will also be attending a ceremony at my hospital. I am still very emotional when I think about the loss of my Evelyn and although I know everyone would understand, I am not a fan of being a blubbering crying mess in a group of strangers! It's not pretty. So we will see. 

I am thankful for these events but scared!  

happy october!

:o)

grinds my gears

My sister always told me not to do it while pregnant but I, of course, still did. and then just about everyone around me told me not to do it after my stillbirth and I still did. But now I practice what I preach and constantly tell my own friends :

don't Google "medical" information. Just don't. 

This goes for any and all medical issues but especially when you are pregnant or when your child is sick. 

Talk to your doctor. 

A REAL LIVE DOCTOR.

Websites like WebMd.com have decent health-related articles or useful tools to check things like the side effects of certain medication. These features make sense to me. But the symptom checker and the list of causes for particular diagnoses are just...infuriating and almost insulting.

Google a potential issue a child may have. Guarantee you one of the "causes" listed will somehow point the finger back at something the parents may or may not have done while pregnant or while the baby was an infant. If you are a loss mom, or the mom of a sick child, the LAST thing you want to do is check a website like this and see that you may have been the "cause" of your child's condition! 

Do you know how many months I blamed myself for the death of my daughter before I finally found the courage to speak with a REAL LIVE maternal fetal medicine doctor to hear her confirm that I did not kill my baby. I even paid $50 for it! One site listed "lack of nutrition in the womb" as a possible cause of stillbirth, another said regular exercise can help prevent it from happening - the guilt immediately set in and I quickly took the blame for Evie not surviving.  

What's even worse are the generalizations made as these sites attempt to inform readers what a stillbirth is as if every woman and pregnancy are the same. What a joke. Not to mention they read as if a high school-er wrote them for their senior health project. 

How can you blame the woman who chose to move forward with the pregnancy and dedicate the next 10 months of her life nurturing the baby inside of her that she barely gets to see, knows nothing about except maybe a gender, but loves unconditionally anyways. We are told to live life normally and to stay active, here's a list of foods & medicine to stay away, but most importantly do not stress over anything. If you follow these steps, you should have a healthy baby.  But when we don't, the mother must have strayed away from what they were told...right?

 Well, Mr. WebMD, since you are such a know-it-all, while you are at it, please explain to me why there are plenty of drug-addicted malnurished self-centered women who deliver healthy babies everyday. And what about the extremely fit health-conscience women who lose babies every day. Riddle me THAT. 

feelings.

feeling good was good enough for me

I have been feeling freakishly "okay" lately. It scares me. I know when this happens, a wave of sadness is around the corner and no matter how strong I feel, it always knocks me down. 

It rolls in like one of those storms that seems as if the apocalypse has come. Dark clouds abruptly fill the sky, and even though you are only a few blocks away from home, you know no matter how fast you run, you are going to get caught in the rain. soaked. drenched. cold. you didn't bring your umbrella because although they said there was chance of rain, you convinced yourself you were going to beat it and be safely indoors before it begins. Yea..it's like that. 

And until the storm comes, I embrace my good days. I find myself being ridiculously productive trying to get ahead on a lot of things because I know how this works. The wave comes, it knocks me down, and it takes me a few days get back up again. On those bad days all I see is darkness, all I think about is Evelyn and what we would be doing at that particular time & place, all I feel is jealousy of the pregnant women surrounding me on the city streets, all I want to do is cry, the only person I want around is Chris, and all I want to know is...why? 

and that's okay. as long as I get back up and dry off.

listen

music has been saving me lately.

Two songs to tune into:

The Weeknd ft. Drake - Live For
Led Zeppelin - Over the Hills and Far Away

be kind.

I haven't been wanting to write lately. I've been lost in my surroundings the last few weeks. Work at my full-time job has picked up a lot and I have been working at Anthropologie at night more frequently. I have watched best friends suffer from relationship heartbreak, sudden death of a parent, and job loss. Throw in some terribly embarrassing and uncomfortable public "I miss my baby" moments at work and that has been my September so far. Feeling helpless while watching close friends suffer on top of trying to take control of your own pain is like &*@!^&%^*@$%!^#$%*@!*(*) 

<< insert head spinning>>

I will refrain from all the cliches that people say to those who are in the middle of their sadness but let's just say I am suddenly feeling more grateful than ever for my relationship, my family, & my job. 

Such a good reminder of one of my many favorite quotes about never knowing what others have been through.

stolen

her little hands stole my heart 
& her little feet ran away with it. 

I was too scared to hold her. Chris did, but I wasn't sure if I would ever let her go. I did hold her little hands though. So thankful that the nurses snapped a few photos for me. 

What I wouldn't do to hold these little things again...

for everything there is a season

Had such a great summer! Yes, I know it's not over until September 21st but in my mind it's dunzo. I thought of the song by The Byrds "Turn Turn Turn" today and had to listen to it. The lyrics ARE my spring & summer. So ready for autumn and winter though, bring on the sweatshirts!

a time to be born, a time to die

a time to plant, a time to reap

a time to kill, a time to heal

a time to laugh, a time to weep

a time to build up,a time to break down

a time to dance, a time to mourn

turn, turn, turn

our angel was born.

my first flyers game!

best friend's bachelorette in the mountains

best friend's wedding in Long Beach Island

college roommate's wedding in Cancun, Mexico

annual family vacation in Lake George, NY

annual Sea Isle City, NJ house with friends that are family

an invite

Reason number 3270896719671 why I love my friends and the hospital I delivered Evie at. Yesterday I received the invite below to a memorial and candle lighting for Remembrance Day. 

Evelyn's name will be announced during the ceremony called "Wave of Light" for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Every year on October 15th at 7pm, candles are lit all over the world in every time zone in honor of our babies. The ceremony will take place in the garden of Pennsylvania Hospital where Evelyn was born. My best girlfriend who is a nurse there told me about it and recommended an invite to be sent to me. I can only imagine how hard this day is going to be but I am so grateful for things like this.

made with + energy

Added another one to my wrist...friendship.love.loyalty.

Countdown til St. Patrick's Day!

love me some Alex and Ani

Check out their story on how they are infused with positive energy!

stillborn still loved

I wish I were a millionaire. Not just because I would love to live comfortably the rest of my life, work part-time and volunteer, all while raising a bajillion kids, but mainly to be able to support charities in a way that would guarantee them sustainability. I work at a non-profit in the accounting department so I know first hand that charities need donations. Yes, the $10-$100 donations are thoughtful but they actually need A LOT more to run their business. Because let's not forget, non-profits are businesses too. And with the government's budget crisis, especially in Philadelphia, funding from those guys are disappearing. Planned gifts and pledges from individuals for general operations are crucial for non-profits. People costs are high! The more research I do on stillbirth & pregnancy loss, the more non-profits I come across who do amazing work and greatly deserve donations. I wish, well hope, that one day "philanthropist" follows my name!

 

I came across stillbornstillloved.org whose mission is to honor the lives of stillborn babies through advocacy, awareness and support. They raise money to support the work of GAPPS, Global Alliance to Prevent Prematurity and Stillbirths. Their goal is to lead a collaborative, global effort to increase awareness and accelerate innovative research and interventions that will improve maternal, newborn and child health outcomes and to decrease fetal mortality.

 

I watched this YouTube created by GAPPS and cried like a baby because it was like watching a 4 minute glimpse of my mind. I made a small donation but not even close to the amount I would love to. Ahhh...one day, one day.

 

 

 

 

something to remember

I NEED to focus on my health again. I love food. I love relaxing. I love grabbing drinks with friends & family. In turn, I feel mushy and tired and very...blah about life in general.

I NEED to remember this daily for my mind, body, soul. 

how

how is it only Tuesday? 

how did my whole world come crashing down in the matter of 6 months?

how am I supposed to jump start my health & happiness again?

how am I supposed to stay motivated?

how come I feel like everyone else around me is moving onward and upward and I am stuck in standstill or even worse - moving backward?

how was I the happiest I have ever been and then immediately the saddest I have ever been?

how do I feel better?

how come other women have living breathing babies so easily and I don't?

how do I stop being so scared it will happen again?

post vacation blues

You ever get down right sad after a vacation? I hate that. The anxiety of going back to work, knowing summer is coming to an end, the craziness of the holidays are approaching and the creation of countless before-the-end-of-the-year to-do lists begins.

I felt like that all night last night and today. Instead of hibernating, which I would normally do, I put on my sneakers and wandered around the city. After I hit up a few stores and grabbed some iced coffee, I headed home to do some chores and got sucked into a great uplifting  movie I forgot all about - Hope Floats. So cute! 

favorite quote from the movie

hbd

vacation minus one

Gearing up for vacation in the mountains with the family... the vacation I expected to bring Evie on. Sure - I probably would have been a wreck and not packed enough formula or diapers but that is what Wal-mart is for, right!?

The time-off is certainly needed. Getting out of the city is always nice too.  My sister's kids are coming along which is always a treat. I just wish I had my little 5 month old girl by my side during it...

that's all. 

monday motivation - tiny buddha

Need a monday pick-me-up?

Here it is:

they offer advice on...

change & challenges

happiness & fun

healthy habits

love & relationships

meaning & passion

mindfulness & peace

work fulfillment

tiny wisdom

PERFECT! 

got my guardian angel

....and her name is Evie. 

summer legends tour

Ahhhh...the summer of concerts continues. Sad that the summer is coming to an end. Although, technically, the last day isn't until September 21 so I still have time to squeeze in more things before the craziness of holidays, audits, and girlfriends' birthdays begin! 

Tonight we saw Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z. I have seen Justin at N*SYNC concerts (shut up) and I have also seen Jay-Z solo a few times. But them together?!?! EPIC.

IT.WAS.AWESOME.

I went with the best crew of friends and family too!

You know I can't post without mentioning how small the world of loss/grief really is. I like to bring up little not-so-known facts. I don't have the intention to scare people but I think it is crazy that this sad little world is a secret and never discussed. Parents should be aware and educated that this is a possibility just like the possibility of down syndrome, a cleft lip, cystic fibrosis, and everything else they test us for while we are pregnant. How come they don't warn us that on your routine appointments to check the heart rate, there's a chance you may not hear that sound when the cold doppler is used on you.

There is a quote that sticks out of mind from the movie, The Other Woman. Lisa Kudrow's character, Carolyn, obgyn doctor, explains to Emelia that the autopsy report and an expert pathologist concluded that she did not kill her baby girl. She said something along the lines of,  "The results conclude that it is scientifically impossible that you killed your baby. Babies die sometimes. We don't always know why, sometimes they just do. "

 Through his lyrics in This Can't Be Life, Jay-Z reveals his ex-girlfriend of 5 years had a stillborn. 

Baby came out stillborn, still I gotta move on

Though my heart still torn, life gone from her womb

Don't worry, if it was meant to be, it'll be -- soon

He also wrote a song, Glory, in honor of Blue Ivy where he mentioned Beyonce's miscarriage. 

False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?

But you was made in Paris and mama woke up the next day and shot her album package
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic,
We was afraid you disappeared but nah baby, you magic

old & new

Came home to this after a crazy Monday at work.

 So thankful for my friends...both old & new :o) 

the other woman

A few years ago, a movie came out, The Other Woman, and I was scared to death to watch it. It stars Natalie Portman and she plays wife number two to a successful lawyer. Lisa Kudrow, who I love, plays his first wife. I recognized the supporting cast too from things like Rent and Can't Hardly Wait (best movie ever). Even with this impressive crew, I was still very turned off and never EVER wanted to see this movie. Why you ask? Two reasons. Adultery & a dead baby. The very two things that scared the sh*t out of me back then, and probably most women in general. Not me dying or getting sick or I dunno...maybe sharks, snakes, spiders? I always assumed if my husband stabbed me in the back or one of my children died, I would never be able to go on with life. I would immediately be bed-ridden and eventually pass away peacefully from a broken heart. Or be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life. You get the gist. They were my biggest fears. Recently I got the courage to watch this movie. 

The opening credits are played along side with pictures of Natalie Portman's character, Emelia, and her new husband holding their newborn baby girl, Isabelle. The song playing is "Do You Realize" by The Flamming Lips. Specifically, the verse played goes "do you realize that everyone you know someday will die." ...I got chills instantly. 

The first scene is Emelia walking by her empty stroller and out of her apartment. She speed walks through the Central Park ignoring but not avoiding the crew of new mommies meeting up with their fancy city strollers. 

I immediately knew where this film was going with that scene. I have to walk by those same groups every day. The happy couples with their newborns and toddlers running around the fountains as they compare notes or commiserate with other new parents. Every.single.day from 5pm to 6:30pm they are there. Sure, I could take a different route to avoid them. But I don't. In a weird way I find it fascinating because I was about to be in their shoes. I also feel like I just need to shut up and deal with it. What, am I going to be a hermit the rest of my life? I won't lie though, it never feels any less crappier than the day before. Without fail, I always picture Evie in her fancy stroller by the fountain. 

The movie goes back and forth between the present and the past. It reveals how Emelia started off as a mistress and quickly became pregnant, a wife, and a mother. However, through conversations with William, her step son, we learn that Emelia's baby died 3 days after she gave birth. 

This movie is unbelievable. It touches on every issue we loss moms talk about all the time. They touch on SIDS, grief, day of remembrance for angel babies, handling new pregnancy announcements, and pregnancy after loss. There are friends that make accidental insensitive comments. Emelia admits to thinking she's responsible for Isabelle's death. She has conversations with her step son about not wanting to get rid of the unused baby stuff when he asks about selling it. She even fights with her husband when they aren't on the same grieving schedule. I found comfort in watching these story lines play out on the screen. You feel...a tad less crazy.

I would strongly recommend watching this movie. Although I did not lose a child to SIDS, I think this movie portrays the ups and downs of grieving parents pretty darn accurately. The cycles. The roller coaster.  It throws in even more twists with ex wives getting pregnant at 43 and a family history of purchasing Russian prostitutes surfaces.

It's on Netflix right now under the category: emotional movies (duh.)

<\3

THE follow-up

I had a meeting with the maternal fetal doctor today. They are the high risk doctors who would handle my next pregnancy. It was what I expected...

emotional, frustrating, and relieving, all at once. 

 

After waiting in the same room I used to wait in for ultrasounds of Evelyn, packed with every size, shape, color pregnant belly you could imagine, I was put into a room for a consultation. They had told me the doctor was busy but that she knew I was in there and would be in shortly. Two hours later I was still in that room surrounded by baby pamphlets, pictures and statues of ovaries, pregnancy books, all while knowing that in the rooms around me there were very pregnant women who were going to go home with healthy babies.

 

I was fine for the first hour and half screwing around on my phone, trying to keep myself occupied but it hit me suddenly. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why my baby died. I wanted to know when I could get pregnant again. I wanted to know what my next pregnancy would look like and if I should start looking for new jobs because of bed rest or the level of stress during the annual audit.

 

I had the urge to open the door and scream into the hallway, "DO YOU REALIZE, THAT FOR TWO HOURS, YOU HAVE BEEN TORTURING A MILDLY INSANE LADY WHOSE BABY JUST DIED !?!?!?! I started to frantically text my friends telling them I was on the verge of bursting into tears and running out. I felt alone. I felt like no one cared about me because I wasn't pregnant. I felt like they forgot about me because I was no longer carrying my child. Finally, I walked out and asked the front desk to reschedule an appointment because I needed to go. She could see the tears in my eyes.

 

Now, I don't know if this woman was some sort of angel or something but I needed her. She looked at me and said "oh...no no no come with me." She grabbed tissues for me and put me back in the room and darted off to find the doctor I had the appointment with. She apologized a million times and insisted it would only be 5 more minutes.

 

The doctor finally came in and she too was extremely apologetic. She started off with how sorry she was for my loss, as most do, and then proceeded to dig deeper into Evelyn's autopsy and genetic testing results. My doctor had already told me everything was normal but that the maternal fetal medicine doctors could explain things better.

 

The doctor assured me that extensive tests were done on both her and me. She rattled off names of over 20 different tests with the results following them. Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal. Nothing. Not even a guess. They tested her blood, my blood, how I bled, if she bled, the placenta, my thyroid, and a laundry list of diseases.  Nada.

 

The appointment could have ended then if I wanted. There were no recommendations of how to go about the next pregnancy. She said they wouldn't even take the baby too early because my body has proven to be able to carry a baby.  "Due to how healthy everything looks and how healthy you are, you have a 1% chance of this ever happening again."  She guaranteed me that I would get tested constantly during the next pregnancy but only after 32 weeks. "The percentage of a baby dying with these tests are .08%." Little does she know statistics mean absolutely nothing to me these days. I am a statistic. Unless it is a 0% chance - I don't care.

 

The doctor was very nice and I have no complaints other than me waiting in that awful room for so along. She was very honest in saying she really couldn't offer any medical advice because...there was nothing seemingly wrong. Thankfully,  she re-assured me that her death was not caused by anything I ate, drank, stressed about. 18% of the stillbirths at that hospital are unresolved.

 

Her final recommendation was therapy. The weeks between 34 and 37 weeks of the next pregnancy will be frightening and I will need someone to help guide me through them. I appreciate that. It is absolutely something I consider when planning the next one. She gave me information on nearby grief and loss counselors but needed to grab her business cards and asked me meet her up at the front. The front desk lady was still there and saw I was holding a pamphlet for grief and loss. She looked me in the eye and said "They have wonderful women here to help you...I know from experience." I smiled and thanked her for everything. She continued, "You know, I was a patient here before I worked here. I truly hope I see you here again. They will take good care of you and until then I wish you the best of the luck in everything you do. Have a great night honey, okay?"

 

She's what I needed. A reminder that I'm not alone. They didn't forget me. They were short-staffed. She has suffered and she was proof that we dont have to be bitter and sad the rest of our lives about it. I envied her attitude and hope that one day mine reflects hers.

 How could I be mad after that? Love being reminded of goodwill.